Masculine Marital Mentoring

Now let's get the man's POV. (But women are welcome to chime in.) A friend of mine sought advice from other men about his marriage. Exactly - Yikes! I knew it was trouble right away. It's almost like answering the dreaded question from your wife, "Does this dress make me look fat?" Here's the scenario...

Friend: "I can't go to the game with you tonight. Sorry, pal."

You: "Why not? Everything alright? You sound depressed, man."

Friend: "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that I went out with some guys after work yesterday 'cause a guy from our office was leaving. And, well, my wife doesn't want me going out two nights in a row."

You: (Uh oh. You get a sense that you know where this is going, so you try to cover the bases.) "Well, I guess I could understand if it was spontaneous. Especially if she had other plans, like a nice quiet evening with you."

Friend: "Oh no. She knew about the work outing weeks ago. I forgot to tell her until recently about the game, though. We didn't really have anything planned. She thinks that I already spend too much time out of the house doing my own thing."

You: "Hmph."

Friend: "She said she spoke to a couple of her friends and asked them how often I should have a night to myself to do whatever I want, like go to a game or jazz club with friends, and they said once or twice a month."

You: "Wow!" (Unable to restrain the disbelief at the small number.) "I would think [rate of outings omitted] would be good for both of you. How often do you stay home so she can get a night out?"

Friend: "That's just it. She doesn't really have any interests in going out. She'd rather stay at home and watch TV or read or talk. I have a lot of interests, though - sporting events, getting together with friends, book clubs, local concerts. I have things I want to do. What do you think is a reasonable number of nights in a week or a month to do those things?"

That was it: the dreaded question. Now, you're smack in the middle. However, unlike sitting in front of your friend who you fear is going to go back to his wife and say, "so-and-so said x number of times is healthy," for which you'd immediately end up on her 'most unwanted' list, this blog is a safe place to answer it honestly.

Would you go to the game anyway? What would you say? How would you answer the question your friend asked? How often should spouses pursue their own interests? (Hint: your answer doesn't have to be a number.)